"All things are wearisome; man is not able to tell it. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing. That which has been is that which will be; and that which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun. There is no remembrance of earlier things; and also of the later things which will occur, there will be for them no remembrance among those who will come later still" (Ecclesiastes 1:8-9, 11).
I have longed for permanence
And am left holding to the unseen
I have longed for transformation
And stand wanting for more than I have witnessed
My heart has longed for the Lord
Yet I feel farther than ever
I have grown ever closer
But then want ever more
I am hungry & thirsty
And it aches in my belly
I am dissatisfied
And find no rest for my mind
I cling to the Psalmist's words:
"I have no good besides You, my Lord!"
I seize them as a drowning man to wood
"...no good besides You"
"Please float", I think to myself. "I need you to float." I believe I conquer; & yet I do not believe. I rejoice in fruit; & yet explain those results away. I touch the awesome, but doubt it will last. I look the Lord in my urgent desire to work well with Him as I allow His Holy Spirit to move through me; & I whisper to Him, "Please float! I need You to float."
I meditate on the church I am in, & wonder if there is a future for this community. I wonder why we don't see more happening. I wonder if the failure is mine... one of faith or character or clarity or giftedness. I never wanted to be a no. 1 pastor... the Lord made me. I still hope for the day when I won't have to fill this role, not knowing if the Lord will allow me such relief. I am an introvert. I am a silent thinker - if not entirely successful at it. I am tired.
Though youths grow weary & tired
And vigorous young men stumble badly
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired
They will walk & not become weary.